For those who don't know, I'm pregnant.
I am 13 weeks pregnant, and the usual joys of announcement etc have been had and our families are rejoicing at the new life that will soon join us.
I however am still struggling with the all too familiar pregnancy symptoms.
Fatigue, nausea, bloating, weight gain, cramps, all of the above have hit me. Some weeks are better than others, but the weeks that are not better are spent wallowing in bed like a sad, fat, gremlin.
Because you see, what no one tells you about being pregnant is that while your husband and family all rejoice around you, you will be hunched over a toilet vomiting the bland dinner you managed to keep in your stomach for all of five minutes. That while people congratulate you, you will be buried in work that used to seem easy and routine...but now is overwhelming and exhausting.
The hidden truth of pregnancy is that it is unbelievably hard...but also unbelievably worth it in the end. But for now....it's just plain hard.
Right now there is no cuddle baby, you don't even have a face or a name to put with the little squirmy bean growing in your tummy. They are more like a fictional idea...something that just doesn't seem real...but still manages to make you feel like absolute SHIT every day. So the "worth it" part of pregnancy is a long way off. Right now, you're just buried in the every day sickness, exhaustion, and overall daily slog that is pregnancy.
For reference, I'm a fairly energetic person, I have always come home and promptly cleaned, cooked, and done my various hobbies. At work I'm buzzing around everywhere getting things done as soon as they are given to me.
Not anymore.
Now, I come home and drag myself into the bed and immediately go to sleep. I don't think I've cooked in these past three months. Not once. Cleaning? Forget it. My husband and Roomba have had to take over the daily chores. Because the moment I am home I immediately crawl into the bed and sleep for 14-16 hours. Sometimes I eat dinner...but sometimes the nausea is so bad I can't bring myself to touch anything. Even water makes me nauseated. Hobbies? Weekends with friends? No. I'm in bed asleep for the majority of the day. If I even attempt to try something more ambitious I either vomit or fall asleep mid-course.
In the morning I drag myself out of bed and wonder how bad I would offend co-workers if I didn't shower. Makeup has become a luxury saved for "better days". Cute outfits? Shoes? Forget it. Work acceptable t-shirts and leggings with tennis shoes or sandals. Is it exactly business appropriate? No...but I'm pretty sure my co-workers are too afraid to mention it to me seeing how it will more than likely inspire a pregnancy tearfest at the mere reminder than I USED to fit into all my cute clothes.
The hour drive to work seems like four hours each day as I drag myself into my car. Each day it's a game of how long it will take before I have to pull over to pee. I've become overly familiar with every restaurant, gas station, and convenience store between home and the office.
Once in the office I putter...literally putter like an ancient Honda Civic that by some strange will of God is still functioning after six car wrecks, 9 owners, and too many breakdowns to count. No longer can my brain multitask or even quickly complete tasks. Now, everything takes longer. Besides the CONSTANT trips to the restrooms slowing me down, I also have to contend with a brain that is stuck in first gear or no gear at all.
Pregnancy is a confusing time, as things that once were normal functions of my job--I can no longer do. Climbing ladders, long periods on my feet, extreme heat, lifting anything over 20 pounds...all things I have to rely on others to do. Aside from my own impatience, asking others to interrupt their day because I can't safely do something rubs against every stubborn fiber in my being. I don't ask for help, I manage on my own...at least until now. Now all of those function pose as potential dangers to both my and my very small, usually angry, baby.
Many a lunch break has been spent crying between vomiting...cursing myself for being "bad" at my job.
Many a day I haven't been able to claw my way out of bed to even make it to the office. The day not spent relaxing but spent sobbing over a toilet at my own weakness.
My work has been very VERY flexible with my pregnancy...but the internal pressure still pushes me to overcome every symptom, every dizzy spell, every vomit filled morning.
So, with all of these woes...why on earth would ANY woman be pregnant? What joys are there in this 9 month long journey?
It starts with the first time you hear that little heartbeat. From that moment, your world forever splits. It's never again just you, just your husband, just life the way that it has always been. Suddenly, there is a tiny peanut growing each day in your belly. There is a tiny person for whom you are everything. Suddenly...everything breaks, changes, and is put back into a way you never thought possible.
You don't avoid eating because of vomiting, you FORCE yourself to drink those protein shakes and if you throw one up? You drink another one. Why? Because the baby NEEDS those nutrients to grow, and just because those hormones make you sick doesn't mean you stop eating.
Your weight will go up, you'll get more rolls, cellulite, etc. You'll cry, curse, and lament the clothes you no longer can wear. But do you try and lose that weight while pregnant? No. Why? Because your baby NEEDS you to gain that weight. After the baby comes you can lose any weight you want...but while pregnant? You wouldn't even think about it because the weight needed for the baby is more important.
The exhaustion? Your body needs sleep and you give up your hobbies, push off cleaning, cooking, etc. so you can sleep. Why? Because the baby needs your body to be rested, they need your energy and strength to grow. So, you give them as much as your body can offer.
Because from the moment you hear that tiny heartbeat your life is no longer your own. Every time you hear that heartbeat a smile will come to your face, an indescribable joy fills you from your head to your toes. Every update, every development, every moment reaffirms that commitment to do whatever you need to do for your baby.
The journey is hard, but the ending is worth every step. So welcome to my journey. As fair warning it will be messy, full of tears and anger. Fears will have to be fought, failures accepted and learned from. No journey is the same, and this is mine.
Welcome.
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